Goodbye, Sunlight

Dear Blogger,

Today was my last day at work. I can't believe it! Where did the time go?

The question everyone is asking: did you enjoy it?For the most part, yes, I did enjoy it. In a strange way, I really did. I think it really comes down to the kids. Those kids.

I've certainly gotten over my bitterness that you may have picked up on, during the early parts of the semester. In a program like the Chicago Center, I think that the limits of the program are pretty clearly the limits of the individual student. Everything we do here, we get guideline from our teacher, and then we have to get our own crap done. (Some people don't like this, but I really appreciate the complete necessity of imagination to learn.) So in this respect, I'm still a little disappointed with my internship, but in reality, I'm secretly (no longer secretly) angry that I didn't take the internship search more seriously and look into the other options I had.

But like I said the first time, I really did like the program, so in the end, I'm glad I got stuck in Sunlight. And more importantly, I'm no longer disappointed with myself for not being able to escape that place and going somewhere else.It's a skill, I think, to take something that completely sucks and doesn't take you the way you want it to take you, and so, you have to take it wherever you want. That's stupid when I say it out loud. (Who wrote this? Dr. Seuss?)

That having been said, what was the best part?I guess I could say the kids. But I don't know what part of that's true, really. I mean to say, I don't hate any of them. I could never say that, because it wouldn't be true... they did all sign a gigantic card for me and quite a few of them were sad to say goodbye to me. And some of the younger kids didn't seem to understand that I was probably never going to see them again. (It's strange, because I remember thinking this from when I was younger, but I think it's hard for young children to separate that the people they associate with school aren't always part of the school. For example, one kid was talking to me about something that happened on Friday, something involving pizza, I think. I was never there on a Friday, and I told him so, but he didn't quite understand that I only exist there for three days a week. It's very strange.)
I was talking to my teacher, Leesa, about this. It seems like I put myself through a lot of stress that wasn't necessarily worth anything in the end. I had to keep fifteen-or-so kids from destroying one another for forty minutes. I liked helping the kids with their homework and hanging out with them, but I keep coming back to the stress. It just seems like we, the tutors, kept pushing the kids on one another when we got sick of them. And I feel terrible saying it, but the kids were a lot of stress a lot of the time.

But why?

We were the ones keeping them in that room. We were the ones telling them to sit down for four hours. Was it our fault that they were misbehaving? I'm asking myself, right now, what exactly were we trying to accomplish? This is the curse of social work that I'm going to spend the rest of my academic life trying to escape.I guess in a round-about way, I've vaguely answered the question that it was a good experience for me. But it's a vague answer. I don't want to leave such an important storyline from my time here as unanswered. So I will tell you this: I have an immense amount of respect for Ahmad. For every ounce of sweat I dropped, he dropped three ounces. And for every hour I spent in that room, he spent four trying to make up for Ruphina's shortcomings as a boss. That's a good guy, right there. I respect him.

Wizard People, Dear Reader,

Steve